he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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