I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
