my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
This is the prime rib incident all over again
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize