He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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