By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
