Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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