i can't believe i had my finger in that
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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