you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
