By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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