I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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