Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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