Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
