too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
