Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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