I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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