If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
