Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
