i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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