My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He kissed a someone with a penis
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize