You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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