You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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