I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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