Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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