oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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