I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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