Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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