he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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