he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
