I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
