I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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