I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Too much gin, very little bucket
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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