her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
