Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
