dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
