Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
