If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
