Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
