The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize