Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
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