i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
