we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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