good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
