i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
