i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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