What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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