This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
