Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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