our cab driver is having phone sex.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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