the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
