I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
