I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You did what with his pubic hair?
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