Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
