Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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