Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
