We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
worst night to have a conscience
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
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