you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
