btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Holy sore nipples Batman
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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