can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
